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Cloud of Unknowing
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10th-Aug-2010 09:17 am - Dear Maria
You're right. I don't like you. And you know what? I don't have to like you. I neither want nor have to play your games. I get that you have ties to David. But I don't see how those ties entitle you to call my phone to make sure he's awake in the morning.  I don't see how those ties entitle you to come over to my house and yell at him, then slam my door on the way out.  I'm sorry I didn't talk much when we first met.  I'm not much of a talker.  Especially in such an awkward situation as meeting my new boyfriend's ex.  Did that mean I don't like you? No.  It just meant I'm awkward and shy around new people.  But hearing that you bitched to David about how I must not like you because I didn't say much doesn't go over well with me.  

Neither does the way you hold Donovan over David's head.  You're so glad to have that baby boy, just so you can jerk David around when you have the mind to, aren't you?  What's more, he has a girlfriend who's "possessive and territorial" and you feel like you can jerk me around the same way you do him.  Well, you know what?  I have a right to be possessive and territorial.  He's my boyfriend. Not yours.  I'm sorry that you still have feelings for him, and think that my holding his hand or touching his face will... what?  Steal him away from you?  Oh, wait, no.  You pushed him away before I ever met him.  So what's the deal?  I'm not allowed to touch my boyfriend?  That will surely make for some awkward sex, let me tell you.  He's not coming back to you, Maria.  He won't go back to you, and you won't have him back.  And you can't expect him to be alone for the rest of his life, just to be at your beck and call.  

I hate that I have to be nice to you.  Because if I'm not, you'll just use it as another reason to keep David from seeing Donovan.  And I think you have enough of those as it is.  So I may have to be nice to you, but I sure as fuck don't have to like you, and I sure as fuck don't have to respect you.  I'll start respecting you the moment you show me, my property, and my boyfriend a little respect and quit expecting us to dance to your crazy-ass song.  


Now, if only I could actually say that shit to her.  :\
3rd-Jul-2010 08:40 pm - sickness revisited
... I think I'm better now. I've spent the last two days pissing blood. Like seriously, my urine was every colour from pink to a lurvely shade of RED. Never clear or yellow-ish.


Today, I pissed a fucking rock. This thing is just over 1/4 inch long. Thankfully, it didn't hurt. Well, it "hurt more than usual." Which was why I happened to look in the toilet to make sure I wasn't pissing pure blood. But now, just a little kidney stone lying in the toilet. And then I reached in and nabbed it. The I washed my hands! Promise! And while I realise I'm supposed to hand my stone over to my doctor (who I will be seeing in August) I want to keep it. D'ya think he'll give it back to me, if I ask?

But yes, since the BOULDER has vacated my urinary tract system, my urine has returned to its normal not-in-any-way-shape-or-form-red color. Huzzah! Hopefully this will clear up any remaining UTI issues I had. (Unless, the stone was what was causing all my symptoms.. hrm.. Should call the dr on Monday) Okies, peace and love.

And sorry for TMI :)
1st-Jul-2010 08:46 pm - Sickness
Last week I went to the doctor because I had to pee ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME, even if I had no pee. Got me some antibiotics for a UTI, was told to come back after the course of antibiotics. Well, I wasn't really planning on going back, except that the symptoms came back. So, joy. I spent a week being nauseous from antibiotics for nothing. So I go back Tuesday, see the nurse practitioner. (Apparently the doctor who told me to come see him this week is on vacation. Really?) She recommended that I stay on the antibiotics and that we send in my 'sample' for a culture. Great. I asked for new antibiotics, though. Being sick to my stomach is not my idea of a fun time.

And now my kidney stones are acting up again! Isn't my life grand? lol

So, I'm drowning myself. Not like, asphyxiation + death drowning, but drinking huge amounts of (gross) water. Seriously, I think I've drank 3/4 of a gallon of water today. And it's not even good water! :( I bought a purifier, because K-Ville water is NASTY, but now my water just tastes like plastic. I've also cut back my soda intake. For real this time.

I really hope that by the time I'm old, my body decides to give me a break, because it's just really fucked me over as a young'n. Hurrah for: weak joints, bad back, carpal tunnel, bad eyes, kidney stones, gallstones (and now no gallbladder... I miss it), pregnancy issues, and a UTI that doesn't seem to want to SHOVE OFF. Gods, it's lists like that that make you want to stay alive forever, isn't it?
17th-Apr-2010 06:21 pm - Rejection
It's been six weeks since I last talked to him. His choice, not mine. I happened to see him today. I was on my way home, he on his way to work. I went up to him, as he tried to hide behind a coworker and turned his back to me.

"We need to talk, my friend," I said to him.

"Not right now," he said, as though I was being ridiculous, and he walked away, looking at his friend and laughing as though to say, "Who's this crazy bitch?"

"Is that it, then?" I said to his back. He turns, smirks, nods. I returned his nod, took Camden's hand and brushed past him.

"Did you knock on my door?" he called after me.

I looked over my shoulder and in a voice heavy with unshed tears I said "I was worried about you." He simply nodded. I managed to control the tears until I got to my door, fumbling with the keys, telling Camden we can't stay outside.
14th-Feb-2010 02:39 pm - Summer to-do list:
This summer, I'll be taking classes. Which means I will have lots of free time. Huzzah. So, I'm making plans.

+White Hart Renaissance Faire. Probably 4th of July weekend.
+Outdoor flea market! There's a big one in Rutledge the first(or last?) Saturday of every month that I'd like to go to. Barring that, I will go to the one in Springfield when I happen to be at the parentals' for a weekend.
+Camping. I haven't been camping in years, and I really miss it. Sadly, I don't have a tent or anything, so this may end up being a no-go. We'll see, though.
+Learning No Screws Required. I've been wanting to learn this piece for over a year. I've given it a go once or twice, but I just couldn't progress at a realistic rate. I hope a summer that is chock-full of free time will enable me to learn it.
+Grow some veggies. I wants me some garden-fresh zucchini! My German prof last spring told me the university farm "rents" out plots to students. By "rents" I mean we can get some space for free. Barring this, though, I have plans of gardening in containers on my tiny porch.
28th-Jan-2010 09:16 pm - Today has been... not so good
Today I realised a few important facts about myself and my life.

I like to bite off more than I can chew. I always think to myself, "I can handle it. I've got a plan, and I'll stick to the plan, and it will work." And, though I do my best to stick to the plan, the plan is always bigger, more time consuming, or more difficult than I thought it would (should!) be. Case-and-point: this is the second semester in a row that I've started a marimba piece, believing I could have it performance-ready in x-amount of time--and failed miserably. Last semester, at least, I was able to blame carpal tunnel, which was being a total bitch. This semester, I just have to accept that maybe I'm not ready for such a daunting piece. Sad day. Like, seriously.

I want so much to be a good marimbist. I just... I don't have the time to put into it (without ignoring Camden), nor do I have the physical stamina thanks to my carpal tunnel stuff. Also, I'm wanting to do rhythmic pieces. I love the sound and quality of these (also the sound and quality of not-so-rhythmic pieces, but that's no issue) and I want to play them! But, I lack the internal sense of time to manage it. I'm so bad at rhythms and keeping time, that it's pretty much laughable. Almost as laughable as my aural skills. But as a percussionist, that's what I need to be able to do, and without a metronome clicking away. I watch as everyone else breezes through snare etudes and amazing multi-perc set-ups, and I'm just blown away. Because I know I can't do that... Yet. There's always tomorrow.

I also realised it won't work out with Dan. In November-ish, I decided that being a Christian just was not working out for me. I'm too drawn to the earth, to the moon, to femininity, and all of these things are very hard to incorporate into the Christian religion (although I realise others have succeeded in this.) When I told Dan (before Thanksgiving, or before Xmas, I can't remember), he didn't say much. I asked him the other night if he was okay with me not being a Christian, and the first words out of his mouth "Wow... That's a really loaded question." I don't understand how it's loaded. Either he is or he isn't. He then went off about how we have such different views on everything. "Like marriage. What do you think marriage is." Well, it's two people who love each other, and pledge that love before others. "But it's much more than that. It's a mental, physical, and spiritual connection. When I get married, I want it to be to someone with whom I can grow spiritually as well as mentally and physically." Uh.. Okay. Spiritual-ness, to me, is different than religion. But, wait, there's more! He brought up children, also. He accepts that I'm going to raise Camden how I'm going to raise him, but he seems to think that if I have one of his children, who he'd want to take to church, obviously, that Camden is going to be so utterly confused and confounded that his little brother/sister has to go to church, and he doesn't. I said, "Cam can go to church. I'd probably go to church with you." Which Dan said would be "inconsistent." Is church reserved for only one god? Well, I suppose it is, at that. But, you know, since his god is also my god/dess, then it seems as though everything should work out fine.

The conversation ended with him saying something along the lines of "I just need to decide if I'm willing to compromise something something something that I can't remember." And the tone of voice he used... I liken it to if he was trying to compromise the fact that I eat babies, but he doesn't agree with it.

This is painful, because I've committed a lot of time and effort to this relationship. But looking back, I begin to wonder whether it was ever really a relationship... In the time since we've began dating, absolutely nothing has changed since the time we began sleeping together. Actually, I would say we had our more profound discussions before we were dating. In any event, it's probably time to move on and try to find someone who doesn't mind my baby-eating habits--I mean, someone who is willing to support and love me in all my aspects, without "compromising."

I also realised I suck at German. Schade.
17th-Dec-2009 04:15 pm - still sick :(
I've been feeling better. The only symptom I had left was a cough that grew steadily worse as the day wore on, especially if I was talking a lot. But, today, about three hours before one of my finals, I started feeling dizzy like I did the first day or two of this cold/whatever. And, oh my god, that was quite possibly the hardest final ever. Not that the information was hard or anything, I just couldn't concentrate on anything but the fact that I felt like I was on a boat and my paper was on a different boat.

Tomorrow I have two somewhat demanding finals. I hope this headache/dizziness is gone by then... Or even gone at some point tonight so my studying will be productive.
13th-Dec-2009 08:06 am - Feeling death
Well, maybe not quite death. Last Sunday afternoon/night I developed a really bad headache, which, by Monday morning, had turned into an even worse headache, dizziness, neckache, stuffy nose. Which finally developed into a horrendous cough. Now, everything is disappeared except the horrendous cough and dizziness. :( Sadness. I wants it to go away... Or a nap. A nap would work quite well, too. ^_^
18th-Nov-2009 06:12 pm - The places we will go
I'm looking at two apartments this week. Tomorrow night I'm looking at a one bedroom. It has an "office" room which should be big enough for Cam's toddler bed (and some of his toys?). The manager said something about having to go through the room to get to the bathroom, though. So, I don't know. The best parts about the apartment (as far as I know): a big kitchen, front and back porches, and utilities are included in the rent price.

The other apartment I'm looking at is a 3 bedroom (playroom anyone?!). It's the same price as the one bedroom, except utilities aren't included. It doesn't have much of a porch, but it has a bit more yard space. It also doesn't have a washer or dryer. Sad day. :( I'll just have to make friends with someone who does!! Also, I can find a roommate for the third bedroom, since Cam's bedroom ought to be big enough for his toys, and the price isn't so expensive that I can't afford it if the roommate moves out after a year or whatever.

Both places are quite a bit further from campus, but not so far that I couldn't ride my bike. Neither has a huge yard, or even a yard suited for running around and playing in, but they aren't so far from a park. And both are main level apartments. Hopefully both are big enough for entertaining!! lol So, yeah.

At the moment I'm leaning towards the 3 bedroom. It'll be easier to make my decision after I've seen both places. Hopefully by Friday afternoon I'll have a place to live next year!
17th-Nov-2009 08:00 pm - haircut
I got a hair cut today. It's very short. I'm not sure I like it. I had hoped for something a little bit longer, but I couldn't print out the pictures I had found online and was limited to what I could find in the style books at the salon. I don't even think my hair really looks like the style I wanted. Maybe I just fail at styling it...

*le sigh*

It'll grow. I'll be able to cut it again.
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